Stay

“It’s strange returning to a place where you have so much history. What once was a place of joy is now haunted. Or maybe it was always haunted, you just can’t see the ghosts until you are close to becoming one yourself…”
~ Only Murders in the Building~

Has anyone else caught themselves wondering about what it would have been like had the pandemic never happened?

I wonder that a lot.

It’s been such a lonely summer and a stark reminder of the loss of so much and so many friendships. I still remember the first family friends I lost in all of this. I made the egregious mistake of sharing how excited I was that I had been vaccinated and could finally visit. Twenty plus years of life together and I never heard from them again.

Love looks strange in the new age and with the hubby and I both losing friends to sickness unexpectedly mere weeks after the other this summer, it’s brought up all of the feelings. Loss of all kinds can happen just like that, no warning, and suddenly all of the memories you were hoping to make are no longer filling in the pages of your shared story. Things feel emptier.

On top of these recent losses, our oldest cat has been given his sentence. “You will just have to watch him and make him feel comfortable until it is time.” Five cancerous removals later and the rapid respawn has quadrupled. There is nothing left to do but wait while it takes him away.

Just wait.

I am never sure how to receive that kind of information. I remember hearing words like that about my grandmother years ago as she lay in an unresponsive coma in the hospital. “It’s a matter of time, we just have to wait.”

I still wonder to this day if she heard what I whispered in her ear.

Thoughts like that come back so vividly for me during times of grief, wondering every time if it will ever be less painful, if I will be stronger, if my growth and wisdom will make the emotions hurt less. Or will I just continue to be the rage filled, mourning monster, ripping away the blank pages we will never fill; angry and guilt ridden that I couldn’t make them stay. But no one can control change and you cannot make people stay so, here we are.

Mourning is such an awful cloud, isn’t it?

In other news (and in an effort to end this downer of a post with some positivity…) I am still loving my new job and just celebrated a very exciting first year anniversary this week. I have still been pushing creative days when I am able, so my books are still growing and my yarn is still flowing.

I am very proud to be drafting my first sweater design for my husband. It is coming along well and has been surprisingly fun to write:

The kitten babies continue to be the house entertainment and Oscar is being thoroughly spoiled by these fur-parents beyond belief each day:

A rare sighting of my beautiful Benji staying still…

I am also getting so much better at getting out of the house and thankful to the few good folks who have helped me get there.

Things will be ok, eventually. Different, but ok.

We will just have to wait.

Xoxo

September 17, 2023 1

A New Sensation

“Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.”
~ J. M. Barrie ~

Life is a gas, ain’t it?

At the start of this year I made a number of changes in every attempt to ensure I approached this one differently than I have the past few years, especially since the Pandemic started. Everything from my skin care routine to how I handle my mental health.

There has been so much mess, growth, more mess with more growth, and moments of healing going on (usually during mess). It’s been a rollercoaster, however, I’m still on for the ride.

One thing that has had me creatively distracted from writing lately is crafting things for myself, something I really do not do too often. At the start of March, I hit the luxury yarn jackpot for the **mumble mumble**-eth time. Lolabean gave everyone the honorable opportunity to order skeins at their own pace last fall for shipping in early 2023, and shipping week had arrived.

I squished it, stared at it, changed pattern plans about ten times over for each set of colors and then when I finally went to put it on the shelf, I realized I had run out of room and said ‘f*ck it, I’m just starting something new now’. So I started a sweater at the end of March and wrapped it up at the beginning of June. I have finally made my first sweater…and I love it.

Determination is dope when it shows up.

Last year in the midst of it’s utter insanity, I also somehow managed to make myself my first two pairs of socks from some gorgeous yarns I had in the stash from Neighborhood Fibers and Dream in Color which, like many pieces at the moment, I still have yet to block:

The socks feel like such a minimal accomplishment now that I’ve finally created ‘the big one’, however, I know how important it is for me to celebrate the small just as much as the big.

Another project in the notebook that I started last fall was a reimagination of my husband’s absolute favorite sweater. Snagged, pilled, and loved to its core, this very old H&M top is obviously past it’s replaceable prime so I decided to take a stab at recreating it. I think I’ve tested about six swatch designs and measured everything seven times (#Glenn’srule) so here’s to hoping everything is correct. Regardless, I’m excited to start testing a complex draft:

Now I just need to find some time to get back to the real writing and I’ll be made…

Now back to designing while also trying to convince one o’ these fools to snuggle…

Thank you for stopping by,

XoXo

P.S. Dusting off old and new playlists lately for that whole, building self-esteem thing. My music choices are eclectic af and I’m too damn old to care about what people think anymore.

Tracks I’ve allowed to live rent free in my head lately:

May 14, 2023 1

Re-introductions(?)

Recently I’ve realized that, outside of my pretty yarn photos and goofy comments, I have not properly introduced myself to all the new people that I have gotten to know on the social interwebs…so instead of writing one out again, I did a thing…

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Gabrielle Stippich (@gabigail68)

Who knows. Maybe I will do another one…😏

Cheers,

XoXo

December 18, 2021 0

Hello, Fall

“The neighbor asked him how he was and what he’d been doing. My grandfather said, ‘I’ve been cutting the grass and watching it grow. Cutting the grass and watching it grow. Life,’ he said, ‘is ninety percent maintenance.’”
~ Spielberg’s Taken

This summer has been a whirlwind combo of strange weather and a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. I have been hiding from the social media world in order to recharge, focus on sleeping, work on my personal community, and make a conscious effort to accomplish more this year.

It’s been tough, to say the least. Starting a new job in the middle of a pandemic was probably not the brightest move for me to make in 2020 but was needed just the same. However, some changes feel more like moving from the pan into the fryer. The hysterical loneliness and emptiness that comes with only being a needed pulse in a distant chair can weigh you to such deep lows. The first time working in an environment where I am not part of any team, just ‘the help’, no more, no less. So here I sit and knit, trying to analyze how to heal from something new.

I have been focusing on keeping my hands as occupied as possible with all of the extraordinary BIPOC yarns and tools I’ve collected over this year. My design brain has been reactivated. Playing with fire, color, foliage, and shifting structures has been an encouraging companion when I need the distractions. But now I think it’s time to start writing again, too.

I still question how worth it all of this is; am I speaking to no one, is it really that big of a deal if I don’t post? My ability to veer from negative thoughts and remain motivated is sometimes a losing battle. I guess that is part of venturing on a journey, you never really know when the roads will fork and bend.

I guess I will just keep pressing on.

XoXo

September 20, 2021 2

June Flowers…

Yeah, I know, I said I would be back in May but sometimes my timeouts last longer than I would prefer. Even the best laid plans…c’est la vie.

On a positive note, I have been able to keep up the writing, designing, and creating, despite my silence on social media so before diving back into writing, I figured I would share what I have been up to.

SHOUT OUT TO BLACK OWNED SMALL BUSINESSES! 🗣

2020 was not completely hell, there were small positives here and there and I really am thankful for those moments. One of those positives was finding more voices of Color in the Fiber community. I cannot believe how many different Black owned yarn dyers I have been missing out on over the years and it is a bittersweet mix of sad and excited to get to learn about and try so much new all at once.

Black Owned Yarn Brands shown: Neighborhood Fiber Co., The Crochet Cove, Lolabean Yarn, Bzy Peach, and Lady Dye Yarns
Rainbow and Canvas Clutches, llama key fob: Broke and Crafty
Knitting needles: Hiya Hiya
Leather Project Bag: Joji Designs
Stitch Markers: DK Graham LBYC & Lady Dye collabs
Ball winder: The Knit Store (Etsy)

I don’t think I have ever considered how heavily not having a safe fiber community has affected me over time. I have taught myself how to do everything I know how to do today with no assistance. I did not have women in the family who passed on their stitching wisdom to me like a lot of girls did. Most of my teachings were to help me work through whatever trauma or life event that I was going through at the time so when I look at what I create now, in times of doubt, I try to remind myself “hey, you’re pretty okay, you took trauma and made it into something beautiful and functional.”

In lieu of social media, I’ve kept my mind busy being inspired by some amazing Black/BIPOC folks creating their fiber crafts, whatever it may be. I’ve also been keeping my hands busy getting to try new, STUNNING yarns from some of those amazingly talented women. While I’ve been creating from patterns, It’s been mostly swatching and designing my own for the first time in a very long time, and it feels really good. I am usually not a huge fan of my designs but it never hurts to try if it brings you joy.