I’ll never forget an experience I had at one of my first photography events many lives ago. I showed up early to capture the bride and her ladies getting their hair and makeup done so as expected, I showed up looking like it. Dressed up but comfortable and ready for a day of shooting photos.
The hairdressers strolled in about forty five minutes later than scheduled without an apology in sight and slowly began prepping their stations, narrowing down who was getting what done for the special day. I was pulling out my gear and attaching a lens when I heard a stern voice come from the salon chair station closest to me.
“You can’t wear your hair like that, ya know.”
“Sorry?” I froze, unsure if the comment was truly directed at me.
“You can’t wear your hair like that. Natural. It’s inappropriate for a wedding.” the hairdresser repeated as she shook out her barber’s bib.
“I’m just the wedding photographer.”
“Hm” she frowned, looking me further up and down.
Okay, then. I guess that’s fine.”
I fought back tears behind my lens as I shrank into the chair where I was sitting and felt about two feet tall. At the time, I could barely afford proper haircuts, let alone a hairdo for a wedding I wasn’t even a part of. It was also the second wedding at that point that I’d been called out for my “inappropriate” hair not looking good enough.
“So like…all you did was straighten it?” a fellow bridesmaid said to me through a scrunched up nose once on the day of a different wedding that I was actually in. I was under investigation for not joining the rest of the white bridal party in getting their hair done and opted to do it myself, which caused a lot of confusion.
Never did that again. God forbid, ya know.
Years later, having been scarred from the experience, I remember trying to figure out hairstyles for my own wedding and just having one hang up: cover up what my real hair looks like, it’s inappropriate for a wedding. Thiry hair pins and half a head of freshly fried curls later and I was ready to go, the other half of my hair hidden in a tight, easily hideable bun.
I really hate how hard I leaned into that.
~
It’s been ten glorious years since I first said “I do” to my incredible husband, Joshua, inside of an unfamiliar church in front of many of our friends and family. We were both in our late twenties, fairly broke, and trying to stretch out a 10k budget on a DIY wedding. We knew what we wanted from the start and just ran with it.
Echo Life Photography
In the end, it was a beautiful, dreamlike, whirlwind of a day but an extremely difficult one to get to in the entire year leading up. Every obstacle possible seemed to trip us up along the way, small and big, it didn’t matter. Between work stress, multiple shunnings (love christians), blow ups with friends and family, disapproving family members (of me, of course ;)), backwards premarital counseling that did more harm than good, beloved cats going missing, multiple parties being ruined, and even family death, we were more than ready to be at the end of our wedding road. It was a strange mix of elation and relief when it was over and, though life continued with the gut punches, when all was said and done, we had survived.
In recent years, when discussing how we wanted to celebrate our ten year anniversary, we entertained the idea of secretly renewing our vows outside of the church in a less chaotic setting. While planning, we crossed the idea of making it a small group event. Both of us had separately dreamed of renting a fancy cabin in the poconos and having a relaxing weekend in nature with our closest peoples for our bachelor/bachelorette. It was something we had wanted to do for a long time.
So, that’s exactly what we did.
We rented a lovely cabin house for a long weekend called Le Petit Chalet in beautiful Lake Harmony, PA, invited our closest homies, and planned a private renewal adventure. I wore my comfiest, most pocketed, vintage Wyllis dress and some homemade socks that wouldn’t stay up but kept me warm. Josh invested in a handsome blue plaid pinstripe suit (his first pinstripe!).
We could not have asked for a better trip if it were humanly possible. The people, the stay, the perfect weather that lasted the long weekend, the food (the FOOD!), the Fall setting in one of our favorite places to be, and an endless amount of music, joy, and laughter to fill up a lifetime. And my beautiful husband.
I am overwhelmed by love and my heart is extremely full.
Though this year has been filled with amazing experiences, it has definitely not been without its long, unending rough patches, for all of us. This much needed space for rest and reset could not have come at a more welcome time.
I’m so incredibly grateful to each of these folks for their unwavering love and support and for joining us for such a special and important occasion. This was so much fun and I would not change a single detail. ‘Inappropriate’ head o’ hair and all.
“That it will never come again is what makes life sweet. Dwell in possibility. Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.”
~ Emily Dickinson ~
Photo courtesy of Joshua Stippich
~
As a photographer, I’ve certainly had a “this picture is worth a thousand words” moments from behind the lens that I have been so proud of, but in front, not so much, save for of course our beautiful wedding day. This, though…this moment hits so extremely hard and I can’t believe my amazing husband captured this at its peak.
My birthday was historically a complex and painful topic for me before I met my Joshua, so much so that even today, I still struggle with the topic during therapy and this year was no different with folks being cruel.
For the past 12 years of our lives together, though, my husband has made my birthday an event to remember. No matter our current situation, he goes well above and beyond what any person should go to to make a birthday special and every year I tell him the same thing, “This is too much, this better be the last over the top thing you do for me!” and I am always met with a devious grin or just a flat “no”.
Last year in my post called “Changes”, I mentioned the many themes that he has planned over the years, the first seven being dedicated to the Harry Potter book series, which, while fun at the time, we have since been glad to retire. Each year since has been a surprise theme that has been so much fun to discover and each year brings such a bright joy to the day.
This year, however, we decided to do something slightly different.
“How would you feel if this year we planned your birthday together instead of it being a surprise?” Josh asked one night while decompressing from the work day.
“I’m totally down with this idea!”
“Cool, want to go to New York city?”
“Is Beyonce a queen?”
No, that’s not what I actually said. I don’t remember what I actually said due to excitement but I do know that I could not have even imagined what was about to actually happen this year, and I’m still in cloud 9 recovery.
~
I have many phenomenal and inspirational people who I would consider on my heroes list but if you asked me who my hero was, I’d give you the same answer I gave you when I was 9 – Drew Barrymore.
I remember being a 90’s kid, introduced to Drew the same way most kids were, through the film “E.T.”. I was at least 6 or 7 years old at the time and just thought it was so cool that the little girl in the movie was the all grown up girl now that my parents said was “still in the movies”, and her smile made me really happy.
It was only a few years later, and probably way too young, that I had learned through one of those old Hollywood news, trash shows about her childhood and the trauma she had experienced over the years. I remember feeling the sadness that came with the understanding that some kids were in way worse spots than I was and that I should be grateful that my situation was not “worse”. Of course, I understand that idea much differently now as an adult. I also recall thinking, she still has that same smile, though. She still has so much joy.
Over the years Drew has remained, for me, a captivating example of authentic joy and what it means to “wear your heart on your sleeve.” I’ve seen more of her movies and interviews than I can count and during some of my darkest moments throughout high school especially, I would remind myself of my hero, who’d survived much worse. If Drew can make it through and still have joy, then I am going to make it through this. I am going to survive.
~
In March, my husband approached me about the idea of trying to be an audience member for the Drew Barrymore show during our NYC visit and I just about shot through the roof and collapsed into the center of the earth’s core all at once. I had little hope that we would actually get in but obviously we had to try. It was a work from home day for us both when Josh came flying down the hallway from his office into mine, wide eyed and in shock,
“Babe! We got in! We got in! We are GOING to see DREW! And we got PRIORITY SEATING!”
After dancing around my office like cartoon characters, I sat back down in my office chair in stunned silence.
See my hero in NY for my Birthday? Am I dreaming?
No, the bruises on my arm from the pinch marks are definitely real so I’m fairly certain this was happening. The entire month of April I spent daydreaming off and on of how I would act and what I would say if I magically got the opportunity to speak to her, practicing my words in the mirror just to end up crying at the very thought. Eventually, I decided in the few days before the big show day that it’d be best to just remain positive but keep my expectations low in case anything should go awry. I didn’t want my hopes to be too high.
Travel day came, the car was packed up, and the babies were annoyedly howling in the backseat, prepped for a much needed and long overdue vacation.
Both trips there and back from NYC went smoothly and Josh drove like an absolute pro for his fist time through the city’s chaotic streets. Our hotel was a gorgeous, eco conscious, and pet friendly stunner a block away from Central Park. We spent the first night resting, eating good foods, and getting the babies comfortable with the new atmosphere, of which they adapted to like little champs overnight, keeping us awake with their exploration outbursts by the hour.
Benji’s new favorite showerRoom 7101 Hotel lobby1 Hotel lobby1 Hotel lobby1 Hotel
Tuesday morning came quickly and it was show day. Drew day, or ‘Drewsday’, as my husband and I have coined it. I couldn’t stop smiling. I was going to be in the same room as my hero. MY HERO. I still was not going to let my mind wander but my excitement was through the roof.
It took around 2 plus hours of standing in line, waiting in chairs, and standing in other lines until finally being seated in the show taping room. I felt like a kid getting to experience something new and magical, like waking up to surprises on christmas morning. The set was bright and happy and the staff were all kind and accommodating. We were seated all the way in the back row, and my husband insisted that I take the end seat near the stairs, “just in case”. I got to sit across the row from a young dancer with a beautiful, self designed tattoo of Prince’s symbol on the inside of their forearm, which sparked a cute conversation between themselves and our fabulous hype man, Joey Kola.
Then it happened. She walked out. I was in the same room as Drew. There goes at least 25% of the mascara I slathered on that morning (damnit, Gabrielle, why didn’t you grab tissues!). She excitedly waved at everyone in the audience with greetings and smiles, her adorable rescue puppy, Douglas, slowly but happily trailing behind, greeting the set staff one by one.
The guests expected that day were going to be Jean Smart and Justin Hartley, which was such a pleasant surprise as we were very familiar with both. I had just mentioned to Josh in the line that I “hoped Ross [Mathews] was joining the recording today” and sure enough, he was there as well, which made me beam.
Before I knew it, the show was in motion, recording had begun, and Jean Smart was now suddenly on the interview couch, puppy in lap, in the same room as ME. And Drew was there. I was elated.
It was close to 2 glorious hours of chatting and games with breaks where Drew would sit on the front steps of the stage and chat one on one with the audience. It was everything I had dreamed it would be. She could not have been kinder to everyone she interacted with in the audience and on staff and made us laugh with her antics. I was feeling all the feelings and had already teared up a few times throughout (the tissues, damnit! How could you forget the tissues!) while looking over at Josh every few minutes to smile the same smile I had been smiling; “is this really happening?”
Starry Night socks and my hand knits for the show❤️
Drew had just finished another break and chat with the audience and returned to the set table with Ross to record the news segment. I was feeling all the feelings and looked over at Josh once again to smile and this time he looked back and beamed. This man brought me to friggin’ NYC to see my hero. I could not be more in love. I instinctively whispered ‘thank you’ for the millionth time this week for such an incredible gift and gave him a kiss.
“I saw that smooch over there, I knew you were a couple! I love it!” came over the loudspeakers.
Uhhhhh, my brain just froze. Literally. Icicles, frost, I was just a cube of ice. Drew just saw me steal a kiss from my husband and called us out. I eventually thawed, covered my face with both hands, and laughed with Josh, my brain literally screaming “DID THAT JUST FRIGGIN’ HAPPPPPPENNNN!”
I couldn’t believe she saw us smooch in the first place, let alone speak to us directly. I spent the rest of the news segment recording in a cloud, Josh whispering “yes, that really just happened…” in my ear, though I think he was actually trying to convince us both.
“We make this show for you, so take it with you!”
The show was officially done and recording had stopped as I waited for them to begin dismissal. Drew returned to sit on the front stage steps for an after show chat and looked back up our way.
“Okay, I wanna know more about that smooch up there. Tell me your names, tell me about yourselves!” she said with a grin.
I had just fallen flat on my back from a high tree branch and all of the wind had left my body. Before I knew it, a microphone was being handed to me and I could hear myself over the loudspeakers attempting to give my name, feedback ringing from my initial attempt at words.
“Oooh, your love is electrifying!” she joked with a giggle, which helped ease my initial embarrassment.
“It truly is!” I choked out, “My name is Gabrielle and this is my husband Joshua.”
“Your HUSBAND!?” she shot up excitedly. “Yep, almost 12 years we’ve been together now!” I smiled, proudly while once again wondering where time has gone and also “is this really happening?”.
“12 YEARS! Woww, I love this! What made you, in that moment, want to smooch him?”
“Well, my birthday was on Sunday and he planned this trip to NYC for me to come see you because you’ve been my hero since I was a little kid, so about 30 years”. That’s about what I remember being able to say, save for letting her know that I wrote her a personal letter that I hoped to give to her some day.
“I’M your hero?” she said with disbelief and before I knew it, she had ascended the stairs in front of me and I was embracing my hero. I began to cry more (I’m never letting you f%$&ing forget tissues again, woman…) as she sat on the stair next to me, holding my hand the entire time, as she interviewed Josh about how we keep our relationship going while letting me sheepishly cry.
(We’ve now reached a cool 65% total mascara loss at this stage.)
I can’t tell you how long she sat next to me but what I do know is that I was completely within the clouds and have been ever since. Her empathy in that moment was so incredibly heartfelt and beyond what I was expecting if I ever had the chance to meet her.
~
Once the show officially let out, Josh and I spent the rest of the afternoon in a complete daze while walking through Central Park to stretch our legs and snap pictures, the rollercoaster of all of the happy emotions causing us to fall into fits of giggles every few steps. We likely looked insane, but I really could have cared less. It wouldn’t be until close to 8pm when we finally decided on food for dinner.
‘The Pond’Central ParkCentral Park SkylineCentral ParkCentral ParkThat dope tunnel in Central Park that’s in all the shows“It’s that tunnel!” Central ParkCentral Park SkylineCentral Park SkylineRose LaneRose LaneJosh snapped this photo shortly after meeting Drew while I was trying to record a video about the experience
The day was unreal, but it was definitely real.
I never got to hand her my letter but one day I hope to be able to. Until then, I’ll hold onto it as well as that core memory of the experience, still in disbelief that Josh had done all of this for me and once again telling him “this better be the last time you go overboard…”.
It’s been three days now since the show and thinking about it still makes me teary eyed and smile. I would definitely go back again in the future (perhaps, sans the kittens so we can have a bit more of a break) and would, without a doubt, see another one of her shows.
Benji taking full advantage of the giant dog bed in our roomWhen Benji sleeps, he squeezes his toes and smiles…Sip + Co NYCSip + Co NYCMidna and Benji, falling in love with the window seatLove, Peace, and Taco Grease NYCBergdorf Goodman NYCBergdorf Goodman NYCVan Cleef & Arpels NYCEntrance to the “Arconia”, aka the Belnord NYCOnly Murders in the Building – Death Rattle Dazzle, courtesy of Velvet Sky Bakery
I am so grateful for this experience and still can’t believe, of all things, it started out with a kiss. Joshua, you’ve got gremlin ears, boo. I am so honored to be your wife.
As I’ve said before, may all of your days be filled with moments worth remembering and if it is not, that you make them yourself,
XoXo
P.S. This post is dedicated to Joshua, Drew, and the magic of NYC
P.P.S. This post is also dedicated to the total loss of 78% of said mascara by end of day removal times on Drewsday
Truly, eleven years into our relationship and I still have never met anyone quite like him. His empathy, his selflessness, his ability to make me feel like I am the only human being in the room. It’s not just a front. That man is 100% genuine. Pure, walking sunshine and love.
I still remember him watching me make coffee in our first few years of marriage. I asked him why and before I knew it, I was waking up to fresh brewed coffee every morning since he’s usually first to rise. I affectionately refer to it as Husband Coffee. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have made myself coffee since.
He absolutely hates coffee. Does not drink it in any form. He was just watching me to learn how to make it for me.
That’s just my husband.
We have been put through some really rough shit together. Our entire relationship has felt like an easy target for many people. We’ve been questioned, judged, cut off, and put under a microscope. I have very literally been asked “why did he choose to marry you?” which has scarred me deeply for life. Whenever he does things for me or holds me in public, I’ve received glares, rolled eyes, scrunched up noses, and even questions about whether or not I “find it super annoying” that he is so doting. I have learned to stop noticing.
I know he’s too good for me and that that’s the overall feeling in most circles. Trust me, I know. I try to remind him often.
Getchu a hubby who insists you do NOT have to oil your own scalp…
~
Since the end of October, our lives kind of spiraled out of control. Hubby got the flu, then I got the flu, and a day into fighting it myself, our oldest cat, Oscar, went on hospice. We were preparing for it. I’ve stayed fairly silent on social media since the results of his last surgery came through and when I wasn’t working, I just wanted to be home with him. I’ve basically been crying off and on since August. He wasn’t just a pet, he was a full on support animal. Even when he was declining, he stayed committed to his journey of providing emotional support to both my husband and I. I could not have adored him more.
Outside of the two family members I speak with almost daily, I didn’t share what we were going through with anyone outside of posting Stay. I usually don’t when it comes to these things. The last time I did was almost 20 years ago and, though I’ve experienced much death since then, sharing was a traumatic experience in itself and I haven’t wanted to repeat it since.
Unfortunately in some cases, when animals die, it just doesn’t matter as much, which is understandable. Not everyone is the same. Hell, I have cried over other people’s pet losses and outright been laughed at (more than once, now). Unless you are lucky enough to know the folks I do, it’s really hard to find others that understand what you are going through and can empathize with the trauma.
My husband wrote a beautiful memorial on Facebook for our baby, which I shared on my page after a bit. The overwhelming amount of love, cards, words of encouragement, and offers of care from his friends has felt like the hug we absolutely needed and certainly helped carry us through; but, in all of this, the person I cannot thank enough is my extraordinary husband. Can I just talk about what an absolute badass he is? I don’t think this little family of ours would have gotten through this hellish time without him.
After the worst of his flu had passed, while trying to heal, he made sure we were taken care of (no matter how many “let me do it!” tiffs that occurred as a result). Pharmacy visits, tissues, meals, the house, you name it, he took care of it. Every breakdown we went through, every exhausting stage of processing, he continues to be there. His application for Sainthood is in motion.
Grief, though immensely heavy, has been so much easier to carry with him by my side. I am so thankful for the home we have made and the love we have shared, built, and grown together, despite the adversities. I am so grateful he chose me. There is no one who is able to love like me like he does.
~
Things are still difficult right now but we are really trying to get ourselves back on track and succeeding, for the most part. Having two other cats in the house that are experiencing their own phases of grief, it’s been a sad Holiday time this year. Regardless, the decorations are out, the gifts are being wrapped, and the christmas movies are aplenty.
We will persevere. We always do.
XOXO
P.S. Gremlin Ears, YOU’RE the inspiration! 😉
P.P.S. We miss you, handsome…💔
My baby spent some of his final days taking care of his papa…
This weekend, my husband and I have been celebrating a very important anniversary. This year marks what feels like a monumental decade since one of the most important church relationship severances of our lives. After the complete blindsiding of an incident, my smokehouse of a husband swept me up in the middle of a train station parking lot to slow dance as we sobbed together.
In honor of the occasion, I’ve made strong efforts to finalize the Resources Page of this blog and am happy to report it is now LIVE! I will continue to be adding links to the Listen / Read / Watch lists in addition to what is being included in my book.
Thank you so much to those who continue to visit my page. I will be posting more new material soon. Stay tuned..
“It’s strange returning to a place where you have so much history. What once was a place of joy is now haunted. Or maybe it was always haunted, you just can’t see the ghosts until you are close to becoming one yourself…”
~ Only Murders in the Building~
Has anyone else caught themselves wondering about what it would have been like had the pandemic never happened?
I wonder that a lot.
It’s been such a lonely summer and a stark reminder of the loss of so much and so many friendships. I still remember the first family friends I lost in all of this. I made the egregious mistake of sharing how excited I was that I had been vaccinated and could finally visit. Twenty plus years of life together and I never heard from them again.
Love looks strange in the new age and with the hubby and I both losing friends to sickness unexpectedly mere weeks after the other this summer, it’s brought up all of the feelings. Loss of all kinds can happen just like that, no warning, and suddenly all of the memories you were hoping to make are no longer filling in the pages of your shared story. Things feel emptier.
On top of these recent losses, our oldest cat has been given his sentence. “You will just have to watch him and make him feel comfortable until it is time.” Five cancerous removals later and the rapid respawn has quadrupled. There is nothing left to do but wait while it takes him away.
Just wait.
I am never sure how to receive that kind of information. I remember hearing words like that about my grandmother years ago as she lay in an unresponsive coma in the hospital. “It’s a matter of time, we just have to wait.”
I still wonder to this day if she heard what I whispered in her ear.
Thoughts like that come back so vividly for me during times of grief, wondering every time if it will ever be less painful, if I will be stronger, if my growth and wisdom will make the emotions hurt less. Or will I just continue to be the rage filled, mourning monster, ripping away the blank pages we will never fill; angry and guilt ridden that I couldn’t make them stay. But no one can control change and you cannot make people stay so, here we are.
Mourning is such an awful cloud, isn’t it?
In other news (and in an effort to end this downer of a post with some positivity…) I am still loving my new job and just celebrated a very exciting first year anniversary this week. I have still been pushing creative days when I am able, so my books are still growing and my yarn is still flowing.
I am very proud to be drafting my first sweater design for my husband. It is coming along well and has been surprisingly fun to write:
The kitten babies continue to be the house entertainment and Oscar is being thoroughly spoiled by these fur-parents beyond belief each day:
A rare sighting of my beautiful Benji staying still…
I am also getting so much better at getting out of the house and thankful to the few good folks who have helped me get there.
“Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.”
~ J. M. Barrie ~
Life is a gas, ain’t it?
At the start of this year I made a number of changes in every attempt to ensure I approached this one differently than I have the past few years, especially since the Pandemic started. Everything from my skin care routine to how I handle my mental health.
There has been so much mess, growth, more mess with more growth, and moments of healing going on (usually during mess). It’s been a rollercoaster, however, I’m still on for the ride.
One thing that has had me creatively distracted from writing lately is crafting things for myself, something I really do not do too often. At the start of March, I hit the luxury yarn jackpot for the **mumble mumble**-eth time. Lolabean gave everyone the honorable opportunity to order skeins at their own pace last fall for shipping in early 2023, and shipping week had arrived.
I squished it, stared at it, changed pattern plans about ten times over for each set of colors and then when I finally went to put it on the shelf, I realized I had run out of room and said ‘f*ck it, I’m just starting something new now’. So I started a sweater at the end of March and wrapped it up at the beginning of June. I have finally made my first sweater…and I love it.
Determination is dope when it shows up.
Last year in the midst of it’s utter insanity, I also somehow managed to make myself my first two pairs of socks from some gorgeous yarns I had in the stash from Neighborhood Fibers and Dream in Color which, like many pieces at the moment, I still have yet to block:
The socks feel like such a minimal accomplishment now that I’ve finally created ‘the big one’, however, I know how important it is for me to celebrate the small just as much as the big.
Another project in the notebook that I started last fall was a reimagination of my husband’s absolute favorite sweater. Snagged, pilled, and loved to its core, this very old H&M top is obviously past it’s replaceable prime so I decided to take a stab at recreating it. I think I’ve tested about six swatch designs and measured everything seven times (#Glenn’srule) so here’s to hoping everything is correct. Regardless, I’m excited to start testing a complex draft:
Now I just need to find some time to get back to the real writing and I’ll be made…
Now back to designing while also trying to convince one o’ these fools to snuggle…
Thank you for stopping by,
XoXo
P.S. Dusting off old and new playlists lately for that whole, building self-esteem thing. My music choices are eclectic af and I’m too damn old to care about what people think anymore.
Tracks I’ve allowed to live rent free in my head lately:
“Live! Live! Live!…Life’s a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!”
~ Auntie Mame ~
April was certainly an interesting and eventful birthday month this year ’round. It usually is.
I took a still-very-much-in-its-infancy practice of trying to see the positives throughout the month, even on the days that I sincerely couldn’t, and I think it helped. I am definitely one of those folks who hates their own b-day due to past experiences so every year, outside of my extraordinary husband’s above and beyond surprises and thoughtful efforts, I usually can’t wait until the day is over.
This year had some rough moments, still, even spending most of the afternoon the day prior sobbing into some fur babies snuggled near by just to wake the next day to the awe inspiring creativity of my husband’s planning. This birthday was the first one phasing out the HP theme (so long, JK, you are trash) and, though I’m glad he finished all of the Hogwarts years, I was ready to move into something different and was beyond surprised.
This year, he incorporated our jointly, newfound lover, Taskmaster, into our favorite bakery goods as well as fun ‘Tasks’ to follow throughout the day (wax sealed and all!):
You’re either in the Petty community or you’re not…
He also did something insane. He secretly took woodworking classes in order to rebuild one of my favorite shelves that was recently ruined (thanks fur-babes). This man actually left work early on multiple occasions without my knowledge to take these classes *Swoon*:
After almost 11 years together, I keep thinking I could not adore him more, yet here we are…
I also made sure to keep myself busy in the weeks leading up. I had a fantastic girl’s date night with a dear friend, bought a new car, binged way too much Love is Blind with the bestie, and had another wonderful friend make a whole birthday dinner for the hubby and I, serving my favorite seafood: CRAB CAKES!
Homemade Crab Cakes and Biscuits with honey butter
Feeling grateful for this year so far and finally feeling a sense of hope.
I know there will still be many a roadblock and hurdle ahead, but it feels good to reach a place I haven’t been before. Here’s to continuing to hold onto hope for whatever the remaining year has in store.
May your day be filled with moments worth remembering and if it is not, that you make them yourself,
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
~ Buddha ~
Oh hey there new year, where’d you come from?
~
It has been a long time, over half a year now, since I last posted or was active on social media. Taking a break for both my physical and mental health, the first part of ’22 had me in the hardest and lonliest spot I’ve found myself for a very long time. If there is any advice I can take away and pass along to anyone that may need to hear it in the new year, it is this: no amount of money is worth a toxic/abusive jobsituation. End of advice.
The first part of last year was so rough, I sincerely do not know why I am still here, to be flatly frank. Between February and July, I had cried more than I had eaten and dropped 30 pounds from the constant anxiety and nights filling up with horrible, reoccurring dreams; the loneliness of each week was eating me alive. I had briefly taken some time in the spring to attempt the job search but by summer, I had so many interviews and submissions go poorly due to my anxiety that I had fully convinced myself I was too stupid to find another job. Mind you, I’d been in my field for nearly ten years by that point.
After rigorous soul searching and lots of pep talks from the beautiful people that made sure I got out of bed every day, I threw myself back into not only finding another job, but also getting my head on straight. By mid August, I had already begun therapy and was offered a new role in a research company I had been trying to get into for over 5 years. It took a month and a half straight after starting the new position for a specific reoccurring nightmare to stop and another month for me to finally get my confidence back. By month 3, thanks to an eye opening 1:1 meeting with someone previously wrapped up in an identical toxic work situation, I was thriving and have been ever since.
I am so thrilled to be back with like-minded folks and for the first time since the start of the pandemic, I am actually excited to log into work every morning. My yearning to learn has returned and I finally feel like I’ve restored a piece of myself that I had forgotten was there. I AM extremely intelligent. I AM capable. I AM an asset. How any person was capable of ripping that away from me in such a small window of time is and will remain a mystery that I will have to work through forgiving myself for over time. Perhaps that is a post for a different day because today I want to revel in victory and hope as I push towards a stronger future.
~
I would be remiss if I did not mention the wonder and beauty that is my amazing partner. Over ten years of life together now, Joshua has remained so incredibly immersive in my care and continues to be the most supportive human being I, personally, have ever known. He has forever changed my definition of what love can look like and I am beyond proud to call him my husband.
Best Cat-Dad of the YearOscar snuggles after Surgery #4The Hot Date that I still sit right next to every time…
On top of his care, this past holiday, he made me the proudest owner of a functioning 1930’s Underwood typewriter. An identical match to the one and only Taskmaster’s typewriter. My typewriter. The very first I have ever owned in my thirty-some years of writing. I suddenly feel 9 years old again, back to wishing to be the next Jo March, recklessly chasing the next perfect row of words.
Yes, it’s the Taskmaster’s typewriter
As I practice getting used to the heavier keys, I feel a new flame to continue down the vein of my writing journey. I’m not sure where this new path is going to take me but now that my thought is no longer riddled in crippling, daily fear, I finally no longer feel like I am drowning anymore and can start living again.
To those who have cared for and about me during this time – you know who you are, and I will never ever have the right words or ways to show my immense gratitude for your presence during my lowest point. Thank you for believing in the part of me that I thought was long buried. Your care will never be forgotten.
I hope y’all enjoy the new Blog layout and sections and I hope to have the resources page up soon.
Proud
Proud of me
I’m standing free, though
I cannot
Scream
And the tears are silently beginning
To stream
I will stand in peace, inside
The pride they
Feel for
me
Proud
Proud of me
My scarred and weakened knees,
Shattered and broken are
All of my remaining
Dreams
But they’re proud
And they say they are all so
Proud
Of me
Proud
Proud of me
They take the glee from
The happy me
The only one that they ever
want
To see,
(The truth is still hidden beneath the
Hanging tree)
But they’re proud, yes,
They’ll be so proud of
me
Proud they say, they prefer the
Way
I bend my shape
To fit their
Frame
Inside an endless string of
Toxic scenes
Filled with dark and painful gas lit
Gains
But they were proud
And I will always remember when
Anyone
Was proud
Of me
~ A. L. Stippich
Stepping outside the usual today to brag about how amazing my friend Nia is and to ask for you folks’ help in spreading the word about her work on a new KickStarter Campaign.
When she first approached me about helping put together this KickStarter, it was not even a question in my mind. Getting to put into words (and y’all know I love words) how I feel about Nia and her small business mission and outstanding products has been such a complete honor and I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to share in her joy.
The KickStarter, since its launch on Friday, has already received close to THIRTY backers and is nearing the 2k mark. Reward levels are available for the yarn lovers and the non-yarn lovers, as well as anyone who just wants to contribute to helping someone achieve their dreams. Even if you are unable to help out financially, just sharing Nia’s story helps support this KickStarter in reaching its goal.
Life at the Burrow 