“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”~ Buddha ~
Oh hey there new year, where’d you come from?
It has been a long time, over half a year now, since I last posted or was active on social media. Taking a break for both my physical and mental health, the first part of ’22 had me in the hardest and lonliest spot I’ve found myself for a very long time. If there is any advice I can take away and pass along to anyone that may need to hear it in the new year, it is this: no amount of money is worth a toxic/abusive job situation. End of advice.
The first part of last year was so rough, I sincerely do not know why I am still here, to be flatly frank. Between February and July, I had cried more than I had eaten and dropped 30 pounds from the constant anxiety and nights filling up with horrible, reoccurring dreams; the loneliness of each week was eating me alive. I had briefly taken some time in the spring to attempt the job search but by summer, I had so many interviews and submissions go poorly due to my anxiety that I had fully convinced myself I was too stupid to find another job. Mind you, I’d been in my field for nearly ten years by that point.
After rigorous soul searching and lots of pep talks from the beautiful people that made sure I got out of bed every day, I threw myself back into not only finding another job, but also getting my head on straight. By mid August, I had already begun therapy and was offered a new role in a research company I had been trying to get into for over 5 years. It took a month and a half straight after starting the new position for a specific reoccurring nightmare to stop and another month for me to finally get my confidence back. By month 3, thanks to an eye opening 1:1 meeting with someone previously wrapped up in an identical toxic work situation, I was thriving and have been ever since.
I am so thrilled to be back with like-minded folks and for the first time since the start of the pandemic, I am actually excited to log into work every morning. My yearning to learn has returned and I finally feel like I’ve restored a piece of myself that I had forgotten was there. I AM extremely intelligent. I AM capable. I AM an asset. How any person was capable of ripping that away from me in such a small window of time is and will remain a mystery that I will have to work through forgiving myself for over time. Perhaps that is a post for a different day because today I want to revel in victory and hope as I push towards a stronger future.
I would be remiss if I did not mention the wonder and beauty that is my amazing partner. Over ten years of life together now, Joshua has remained so incredibly immersive in my care and continues to be the most supportive human being I, personally, have ever known. He has forever changed my definition of what love can look like and I am beyond proud to call him my husband.
On top of his care, this past holiday, he made me the proudest owner of a functioning 1930’s Underwood typewriter. An identical match to the one and only Taskmaster’s typewriter. My typewriter. The very first I have ever owned in my thirty-some years of writing. I suddenly feel 9 years old again, back to wishing to be the next Jo March, recklessly chasing the next perfect row of words.
As I practice getting used to the heavier keys, I feel a new flame to continue down the vein of my writing journey. I’m not sure where this new path is going to take me but now that my thought is no longer riddled in crippling, daily fear, I finally no longer feel like I am drowning anymore and can start living again.
To those who have cared for and about me during this time – you know who you are, and I will never ever have the right words or ways to show my immense gratitude for your presence during my lowest point. Thank you for believing in the part of me that I thought was long buried. Your care will never be forgotten.
I hope y’all enjoy the new Blog layout and sections and I hope to have the resources page up soon.
Glad you are back. You came out stronger and dare I say gentler with yourself? Joshua held a special place in my heart when he was in second grade and I am guessing that sweet little boy I knew continues to be sweet and loving, exactly what you need. I’m looking forward to reading your insight, quick wit and well constructed thoughts .
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You have always been super cool and smart.
I think Data, Laney and I need an opportunity to tell you that to your face soon.
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