Tag: husband

For My Joshua

“Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” ❤️

~ Maya Angelou ~

God, I love my husband.

Truly, eleven years into our relationship and I still have never met anyone quite like him. His empathy, his selflessness, his ability to make me feel like I am the only human being in the room. It’s not just a front. That man is 100% genuine. Pure, walking sunshine and love.

I still remember him watching me make coffee in our first few years of marriage. I asked him why and before I knew it, I was waking up to fresh brewed coffee every morning since he’s usually first to rise. I affectionately refer to it as Husband Coffee. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have made myself coffee since.

He absolutely hates coffee. Does not drink it in any form. He was just watching me to learn how to make it for me.

That’s just my husband.

We have been put through some really rough shit together. Our entire relationship has felt like an easy target for many people. We’ve been questioned, judged, cut off, and put under a microscope. I have very literally been asked “why did he choose to marry you?” which has scarred me deeply for life. Whenever he does things for me or holds me in public, I’ve received glares, rolled eyes, scrunched up noses, and even questions about whether or not I “find it super annoying” that he is so doting. I have learned to stop noticing.

I know he’s too good for me and that that’s the overall feeling in most circles. Trust me, I know. I try to remind him often.

Getchu a hubby who insists you do NOT have to oil your own scalp…

~

Since the end of October, our lives kind of spiraled out of control. Hubby got the flu, then I got the flu, and a day into fighting it myself, our oldest cat, Oscar, went on hospice. We were preparing for it. I’ve stayed fairly silent on social media since the results of his last surgery came through and when I wasn’t working, I just wanted to be home with him. I’ve basically been crying off and on since August. He wasn’t just a pet, he was a full on support animal. Even when he was declining, he stayed committed to his journey of providing emotional support to both my husband and I. I could not have adored him more.

Outside of the two family members I speak with almost daily, I didn’t share what we were going through with anyone outside of posting Stay. I usually don’t when it comes to these things. The last time I did was almost 20 years ago and, though I’ve experienced much death since then, sharing was a traumatic experience in itself and I haven’t wanted to repeat it since.

Unfortunately in some cases, when animals die, it just doesn’t matter as much, which is understandable. Not everyone is the same. Hell, I have cried over other people’s pet losses and outright been laughed at (more than once, now). Unless you are lucky enough to know the folks I do, it’s really hard to find others that understand what you are going through and can empathize with the trauma.

My husband wrote a beautiful memorial on Facebook for our baby, which I shared on my page after a bit. The overwhelming amount of love, cards, words of encouragement, and offers of care from his friends has felt like the hug we absolutely needed and certainly helped carry us through; but, in all of this, the person I cannot thank enough is my extraordinary husband. Can I just talk about what an absolute badass he is? I don’t think this little family of ours would have gotten through this hellish time without him.

After the worst of his flu had passed, while trying to heal, he made sure we were taken care of (no matter how many “let me do it!” tiffs that occurred as a result). Pharmacy visits, tissues, meals, the house, you name it, he took care of it. Every breakdown we went through, every exhausting stage of processing, he continues to be there. His application for Sainthood is in motion.

Grief, though immensely heavy, has been so much easier to carry with him by my side. I am so thankful for the home we have made and the love we have shared, built, and grown together, despite the adversities. I am so grateful he chose me. There is no one who is able to love like me like he does.

~

Things are still difficult right now but we are really trying to get ourselves back on track and succeeding, for the most part. Having two other cats in the house that are experiencing their own phases of grief, it’s been a sad Holiday time this year. Regardless, the decorations are out, the gifts are being wrapped, and the christmas movies are aplenty.

We will persevere. We always do.

XOXO

P.S. Gremlin Ears, YOU’RE the inspiration! 😉

P.P.S. We miss you, handsome…💔

My baby spent some of his final days taking care of his papa…
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I’m Still Here

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

~ Buddha ~

Oh hey there new year, where’d you come from?

~

It has been a long time, over half a year now, since I last posted or was active on social media. Taking a break for both my physical and mental health, the first part of ’22 had me in the hardest and lonliest spot I’ve found myself for a very long time. If there is any advice I can take away and pass along to anyone that may need to hear it in the new year, it is this: no amount of money is worth a toxic/abusive job situation. End of advice.

The first part of last year was so rough, I sincerely do not know why I am still here, to be flatly frank. Between February and July, I had cried more than I had eaten and dropped 30 pounds from the constant anxiety and nights filling up with horrible, reoccurring dreams; the loneliness of each week was eating me alive. I had briefly taken some time in the spring to attempt the job search but by summer, I had so many interviews and submissions go poorly due to my anxiety that I had fully convinced myself I was too stupid to find another job. Mind you, I’d been in my field for nearly ten years by that point.

After rigorous soul searching and lots of pep talks from the beautiful people that made sure I got out of bed every day, I threw myself back into not only finding another job, but also getting my head on straight. By mid August, I had already begun therapy and was offered a new role in a research company I had been trying to get into for over 5 years. It took a month and a half straight after starting the new position for a specific reoccurring nightmare to stop and another month for me to finally get my confidence back. By month 3, thanks to an eye opening 1:1 meeting with someone previously wrapped up in an identical toxic work situation, I was thriving and have been ever since.

I am so thrilled to be back with like-minded folks and for the first time since the start of the pandemic, I am actually excited to log into work every morning. My yearning to learn has returned and I finally feel like I’ve restored a piece of myself that I had forgotten was there. I AM extremely intelligent. I AM capable. I AM an asset. How any person was capable of ripping that away from me in such a small window of time is and will remain a mystery that I will have to work through forgiving myself for over time. Perhaps that is a post for a different day because today I want to revel in victory and hope as I push towards a stronger future.

~

I would be remiss if I did not mention the wonder and beauty that is my amazing partner. Over ten years of life together now, Joshua has remained so incredibly immersive in my care and continues to be the most supportive human being I, personally, have ever known. He has forever changed my definition of what love can look like and I am beyond proud to call him my husband.

Best Cat-Dad of the Year
Oscar snuggles after Surgery #4
The Hot Date that I still sit right next to every time…

On top of his care, this past holiday, he made me the proudest owner of a functioning 1930’s Underwood typewriter. An identical match to the one and only Taskmaster’s typewriter. My typewriter. The very first I have ever owned in my thirty-some years of writing. I suddenly feel 9 years old again, back to wishing to be the next Jo March, recklessly chasing the next perfect row of words.

Yes, it’s the Taskmaster’s typewriter

As I practice getting used to the heavier keys, I feel a new flame to continue down the vein of my writing journey. I’m not sure where this new path is going to take me but now that my thought is no longer riddled in crippling, daily fear, I finally no longer feel like I am drowning anymore and can start living again.

To those who have cared for and about me during this time – you know who you are, and I will never ever have the right words or ways to show my immense gratitude for your presence during my lowest point. Thank you for believing in the part of me that I thought was long buried. Your care will never be forgotten.

I hope y’all enjoy the new Blog layout and sections and I hope to have the resources page up soon.

XoXo, me

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