Tag: love

Renewal

Lafayette Hill Studios Photography

I’ll never forget an experience I had at one of my first photography events many lives ago. I showed up early to capture the bride and her ladies getting their hair and makeup done so as expected, I showed up looking like it. Dressed up but comfortable and ready for a day of shooting photos.

The hairdressers strolled in about forty five minutes later than scheduled without an apology in sight and slowly began prepping their stations, narrowing down who was getting what done for the special day. I was pulling out my gear and attaching a lens when I heard a stern voice come from the salon chair station closest to me. 

“You can’t wear your hair like that, ya know.” 

“Sorry?” I froze, unsure if the comment was truly directed at me. 

“You can’t wear your hair like that. Natural. It’s inappropriate for a wedding.” the hairdresser repeated as she shook out her barber’s bib.

“I’m just the wedding photographer.”

“Hm” she frowned, looking me further up and down. 

Okay, then. I guess that’s fine.” 

I fought back tears behind my lens as I shrank into the chair where I was sitting and felt about two feet tall. At the time, I could barely afford proper haircuts, let alone a hairdo for a wedding I wasn’t even a part of. It was also the second wedding at that point that I’d been called out for my “inappropriate” hair not looking good enough. 

“So like…all you did was straighten it?” a fellow bridesmaid said to me through a scrunched up nose once on the day of a different wedding that I was actually in. I was under investigation for not joining the rest of the white bridal party in getting their hair done and opted to do it myself, which caused a lot of confusion.

Never did that again. God forbid, ya know. 

Years later, having been scarred from the experience, I remember trying to figure out hairstyles for my own wedding and just having one hang up: cover up what my real hair looks like, it’s inappropriate for a wedding. Thiry hair pins and half a head of freshly fried curls later and I was ready to go, the other half of my hair hidden in a tight, easily hideable bun.

I really hate how hard I leaned into that.

~

It’s been ten glorious years since I first said “I do” to my incredible husband, Joshua, inside of an unfamiliar church in front of many of our friends and family. We were both in our late twenties, fairly broke, and trying to stretch out a 10k budget on a DIY wedding. We knew what we wanted from the start and just ran with it. 

Echo Life Photography

In the end, it was a beautiful, dreamlike, whirlwind of a day but an extremely difficult one to get to in the entire year leading up. Every obstacle possible seemed to trip us up along the way, small and big, it didn’t matter. Between work stress, multiple shunnings (love christians), blow ups with friends and family, disapproving family members (of me, of course ;)), backwards premarital counseling that did more harm than good, beloved cats going missing, multiple parties being ruined, and even family death, we were more than ready to be at the end of our wedding road. It was a strange mix of elation and relief when it was over and, though life continued with the gut punches, when all was said and done, we had survived.

In recent years, when discussing how we wanted to celebrate our ten year anniversary, we entertained the idea of secretly renewing our vows outside of the church in a less chaotic setting. While planning, we crossed the idea of making it a small group event. Both of us had separately dreamed of renting a fancy cabin in the poconos and having a relaxing weekend in nature with our closest peoples for our bachelor/bachelorette. It was something we had wanted to do for a long time. 

So, that’s exactly what we did. 

We rented a lovely cabin house for a long weekend called Le Petit Chalet in beautiful Lake Harmony, PA, invited our closest homies, and planned a private renewal adventure. I wore my comfiest, most pocketed, vintage Wyllis dress and some homemade socks that wouldn’t stay up but kept me warm. Josh invested in a handsome blue plaid pinstripe suit (his first pinstripe!).

We could not have asked for a better trip if it were humanly possible. The people, the stay, the perfect weather that lasted the long weekend, the food (the FOOD!), the Fall setting in one of our favorite places to be, and an endless amount of music, joy, and laughter to fill up a lifetime. And my beautiful husband. 

I am overwhelmed by love and my heart is extremely full.

Though this year has been filled with amazing experiences, it has definitely not been without its long, unending rough patches, for all of us. This much needed space for rest and reset could not have come at a more welcome time. 

I’m so incredibly grateful to each of these folks for their unwavering love and support and for joining us for such a special and important occasion. This was so much fun and I would not change a single detail. ‘Inappropriate’ head o’ hair and all.

XoXo

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For My Joshua

“Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” ❤️

~ Maya Angelou ~

God, I love my husband.

Truly, eleven years into our relationship and I still have never met anyone quite like him. His empathy, his selflessness, his ability to make me feel like I am the only human being in the room. It’s not just a front. That man is 100% genuine. Pure, walking sunshine and love.

I still remember him watching me make coffee in our first few years of marriage. I asked him why and before I knew it, I was waking up to fresh brewed coffee every morning since he’s usually first to rise. I affectionately refer to it as Husband Coffee. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have made myself coffee since.

He absolutely hates coffee. Does not drink it in any form. He was just watching me to learn how to make it for me.

That’s just my husband.

We have been put through some really rough shit together. Our entire relationship has felt like an easy target for many people. We’ve been questioned, judged, cut off, and put under a microscope. I have very literally been asked “why did he choose to marry you?” which has scarred me deeply for life. Whenever he does things for me or holds me in public, I’ve received glares, rolled eyes, scrunched up noses, and even questions about whether or not I “find it super annoying” that he is so doting. I have learned to stop noticing.

I know he’s too good for me and that that’s the overall feeling in most circles. Trust me, I know. I try to remind him often.

Getchu a hubby who insists you do NOT have to oil your own scalp…

~

Since the end of October, our lives kind of spiraled out of control. Hubby got the flu, then I got the flu, and a day into fighting it myself, our oldest cat, Oscar, went on hospice. We were preparing for it. I’ve stayed fairly silent on social media since the results of his last surgery came through and when I wasn’t working, I just wanted to be home with him. I’ve basically been crying off and on since August. He wasn’t just a pet, he was a full on support animal. Even when he was declining, he stayed committed to his journey of providing emotional support to both my husband and I. I could not have adored him more.

Outside of the two family members I speak with almost daily, I didn’t share what we were going through with anyone outside of posting Stay. I usually don’t when it comes to these things. The last time I did was almost 20 years ago and, though I’ve experienced much death since then, sharing was a traumatic experience in itself and I haven’t wanted to repeat it since.

Unfortunately in some cases, when animals die, it just doesn’t matter as much, which is understandable. Not everyone is the same. Hell, I have cried over other people’s pet losses and outright been laughed at (more than once, now). Unless you are lucky enough to know the folks I do, it’s really hard to find others that understand what you are going through and can empathize with the trauma.

My husband wrote a beautiful memorial on Facebook for our baby, which I shared on my page after a bit. The overwhelming amount of love, cards, words of encouragement, and offers of care from his friends has felt like the hug we absolutely needed and certainly helped carry us through; but, in all of this, the person I cannot thank enough is my extraordinary husband. Can I just talk about what an absolute badass he is? I don’t think this little family of ours would have gotten through this hellish time without him.

After the worst of his flu had passed, while trying to heal, he made sure we were taken care of (no matter how many “let me do it!” tiffs that occurred as a result). Pharmacy visits, tissues, meals, the house, you name it, he took care of it. Every breakdown we went through, every exhausting stage of processing, he continues to be there. His application for Sainthood is in motion.

Grief, though immensely heavy, has been so much easier to carry with him by my side. I am so thankful for the home we have made and the love we have shared, built, and grown together, despite the adversities. I am so grateful he chose me. There is no one who is able to love like me like he does.

~

Things are still difficult right now but we are really trying to get ourselves back on track and succeeding, for the most part. Having two other cats in the house that are experiencing their own phases of grief, it’s been a sad Holiday time this year. Regardless, the decorations are out, the gifts are being wrapped, and the christmas movies are aplenty.

We will persevere. We always do.

XOXO

P.S. Gremlin Ears, YOU’RE the inspiration! 😉

P.P.S. We miss you, handsome…💔

My baby spent some of his final days taking care of his papa…
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I’m Still Here

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

~ Buddha ~

Oh hey there new year, where’d you come from?

~

It has been a long time, over half a year now, since I last posted or was active on social media. Taking a break for both my physical and mental health, the first part of ’22 had me in the hardest and lonliest spot I’ve found myself for a very long time. If there is any advice I can take away and pass along to anyone that may need to hear it in the new year, it is this: no amount of money is worth a toxic/abusive job situation. End of advice.

The first part of last year was so rough, I sincerely do not know why I am still here, to be flatly frank. Between February and July, I had cried more than I had eaten and dropped 30 pounds from the constant anxiety and nights filling up with horrible, reoccurring dreams; the loneliness of each week was eating me alive. I had briefly taken some time in the spring to attempt the job search but by summer, I had so many interviews and submissions go poorly due to my anxiety that I had fully convinced myself I was too stupid to find another job. Mind you, I’d been in my field for nearly ten years by that point.

After rigorous soul searching and lots of pep talks from the beautiful people that made sure I got out of bed every day, I threw myself back into not only finding another job, but also getting my head on straight. By mid August, I had already begun therapy and was offered a new role in a research company I had been trying to get into for over 5 years. It took a month and a half straight after starting the new position for a specific reoccurring nightmare to stop and another month for me to finally get my confidence back. By month 3, thanks to an eye opening 1:1 meeting with someone previously wrapped up in an identical toxic work situation, I was thriving and have been ever since.

I am so thrilled to be back with like-minded folks and for the first time since the start of the pandemic, I am actually excited to log into work every morning. My yearning to learn has returned and I finally feel like I’ve restored a piece of myself that I had forgotten was there. I AM extremely intelligent. I AM capable. I AM an asset. How any person was capable of ripping that away from me in such a small window of time is and will remain a mystery that I will have to work through forgiving myself for over time. Perhaps that is a post for a different day because today I want to revel in victory and hope as I push towards a stronger future.

~

I would be remiss if I did not mention the wonder and beauty that is my amazing partner. Over ten years of life together now, Joshua has remained so incredibly immersive in my care and continues to be the most supportive human being I, personally, have ever known. He has forever changed my definition of what love can look like and I am beyond proud to call him my husband.

Best Cat-Dad of the Year
Oscar snuggles after Surgery #4
The Hot Date that I still sit right next to every time…

On top of his care, this past holiday, he made me the proudest owner of a functioning 1930’s Underwood typewriter. An identical match to the one and only Taskmaster’s typewriter. My typewriter. The very first I have ever owned in my thirty-some years of writing. I suddenly feel 9 years old again, back to wishing to be the next Jo March, recklessly chasing the next perfect row of words.

Yes, it’s the Taskmaster’s typewriter

As I practice getting used to the heavier keys, I feel a new flame to continue down the vein of my writing journey. I’m not sure where this new path is going to take me but now that my thought is no longer riddled in crippling, daily fear, I finally no longer feel like I am drowning anymore and can start living again.

To those who have cared for and about me during this time – you know who you are, and I will never ever have the right words or ways to show my immense gratitude for your presence during my lowest point. Thank you for believing in the part of me that I thought was long buried. Your care will never be forgotten.

I hope y’all enjoy the new Blog layout and sections and I hope to have the resources page up soon.

XoXo, me

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