“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
~ Maya Angelou
Four years. It has been four long years since I had my first breakdown and I have had one additional one since. I have not been the same since then, spending most of my days inside my own home, hiding from socialization and spending the past few years doing as little social media as possible in order to focus on processing, unfolding, accepting, and healing from the events that have made up my life.
While 2020 was not the winning year for anyone, being home every day hiding from the world has been this agoraphobic’s dream scenario and I had moments of unexpected triumph throughout. I spent more precious, extra time with my best friend and our ridiculously entertaining fur babies than I thought I ever would in a single year. I started a book as well as completed a number of other writings. I started and finished a number of yarn projects that had been sitting for too long. I fell in love with (and spent an inappropriate amount of money on) plants. I almost completely replaced my wardrobe from top to bottom. I gained confidence and left an insanely worsening job situation for an infinitely greater one after way too many years of being afraid.
2020 also brought a great deal of emotional and physical pain and growth. Having spent the better part of three years prior hiding from the world, letting down close friends and family, not sharing my life with others; I had every intention of getting myself back out into the world once more until the triggering effects of the year piled on one by one. I fell back into familiar, circular patterns and slipped into dark places that were difficult to see through but for the first time in my life, I was able to push back and win.
For the first time in my thirty-some years of life, I feel ready. This past year, I became more confident in sharing my story more openly for the first time ever by putting my thoughts into chapters. The real story. Now that I have found my voice, I want to use it for the purpose I feel it was created for – to write what I know.
I am grateful beyond words for the encouragement, love, and immensely appreciated space provided to me by so many of you who allowed me to have this time. I will spend the rest of this life trying to repay you. I can only hope to rekindle the relationships I have neglected as I continue to work on me and am wrapping giant, virtual arms around you all.
I look forward to whatever this writing adventure might become. In the meantime…
…get ready, ’cause this shit is about to get loud. Stay tuned.