Tag: mourning

For My Joshua

“Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” ❤️

~ Maya Angelou ~

God, I love my husband.

Truly, eleven years into our relationship and I still have never met anyone quite like him. His empathy, his selflessness, his ability to make me feel like I am the only human being in the room. It’s not just a front. That man is 100% genuine. Pure, walking sunshine and love.

I still remember him watching me make coffee in our first few years of marriage. I asked him why and before I knew it, I was waking up to fresh brewed coffee every morning since he’s usually first to rise. I affectionately refer to it as Husband Coffee. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have made myself coffee since.

He absolutely hates coffee. Does not drink it in any form. He was just watching me to learn how to make it for me.

That’s just my husband.

We have been put through some really rough shit together. Our entire relationship has felt like an easy target for many people. We’ve been questioned, judged, cut off, and put under a microscope. I have very literally been asked “why did he choose to marry you?” which has scarred me deeply for life. Whenever he does things for me or holds me in public, I’ve received glares, rolled eyes, scrunched up noses, and even questions about whether or not I “find it super annoying” that he is so doting. I have learned to stop noticing.

I know he’s too good for me and that that’s the overall feeling in most circles. Trust me, I know. I try to remind him often.

Getchu a hubby who insists you do NOT have to oil your own scalp…

~

Since the end of October, our lives kind of spiraled out of control. Hubby got the flu, then I got the flu, and a day into fighting it myself, our oldest cat, Oscar, went on hospice. We were preparing for it. I’ve stayed fairly silent on social media since the results of his last surgery came through and when I wasn’t working, I just wanted to be home with him. I’ve basically been crying off and on since August. He wasn’t just a pet, he was a full on support animal. Even when he was declining, he stayed committed to his journey of providing emotional support to both my husband and I. I could not have adored him more.

Outside of the two family members I speak with almost daily, I didn’t share what we were going through with anyone outside of posting Stay. I usually don’t when it comes to these things. The last time I did was almost 20 years ago and, though I’ve experienced much death since then, sharing was a traumatic experience in itself and I haven’t wanted to repeat it since.

Unfortunately in some cases, when animals die, it just doesn’t matter as much, which is understandable. Not everyone is the same. Hell, I have cried over other people’s pet losses and outright been laughed at (more than once, now). Unless you are lucky enough to know the folks I do, it’s really hard to find others that understand what you are going through and can empathize with the trauma.

My husband wrote a beautiful memorial on Facebook for our baby, which I shared on my page after a bit. The overwhelming amount of love, cards, words of encouragement, and offers of care from his friends has felt like the hug we absolutely needed and certainly helped carry us through; but, in all of this, the person I cannot thank enough is my extraordinary husband. Can I just talk about what an absolute badass he is? I don’t think this little family of ours would have gotten through this hellish time without him.

After the worst of his flu had passed, while trying to heal, he made sure we were taken care of (no matter how many “let me do it!” tiffs that occurred as a result). Pharmacy visits, tissues, meals, the house, you name it, he took care of it. Every breakdown we went through, every exhausting stage of processing, he continues to be there. His application for Sainthood is in motion.

Grief, though immensely heavy, has been so much easier to carry with him by my side. I am so thankful for the home we have made and the love we have shared, built, and grown together, despite the adversities. I am so grateful he chose me. There is no one who is able to love like me like he does.

~

Things are still difficult right now but we are really trying to get ourselves back on track and succeeding, for the most part. Having two other cats in the house that are experiencing their own phases of grief, it’s been a sad Holiday time this year. Regardless, the decorations are out, the gifts are being wrapped, and the christmas movies are aplenty.

We will persevere. We always do.

XOXO

P.S. Gremlin Ears, YOU’RE the inspiration! 😉

P.P.S. We miss you, handsome…💔

My baby spent some of his final days taking care of his papa…
1

Stay

“It’s strange returning to a place where you have so much history. What once was a place of joy is now haunted. Or maybe it was always haunted, you just can’t see the ghosts until you are close to becoming one yourself…”

~ Only Murders in the Building~

Has anyone else caught themselves wondering about what it would have been like had the pandemic never happened?

I wonder that a lot.

It’s been such a lonely summer and a stark reminder of the loss of so much and so many friendships. I still remember the first family friends I lost in all of this. I made the egregious mistake of sharing how excited I was that I had been vaccinated and could finally visit. Twenty plus years of life together and I never heard from them again. 

Love looks strange in the new age and with the hubby and I both losing friends to sickness unexpectedly mere weeks after the other this summer, it’s brought up all of the feelings. Loss of all kinds can happen just like that, no warning, and suddenly all of the memories you were hoping to make are no longer filling in the pages of your shared story. Things feel emptier.

On top of these recent losses, our oldest cat has been given his sentence. “You will just have to watch him and make him feel comfortable until it is time.” Five cancerous removals later and the rapid respawn has quadrupled. There is nothing left to do but wait while it takes him away. 

Just wait. 

I am never sure how to receive that kind of information. I remember hearing words like that about my grandmother years ago as she lay in an unresponsive coma in the hospital. “It’s a matter of time, we just have to wait.”

I still wonder to this day if she heard what I whispered in her ear. 

Thoughts like that come back so vividly for me during times of grief, wondering every time if it will ever be less painful, if I will be stronger, if my growth and wisdom will make the emotions hurt less. Or will I just continue to be the rage filled, mourning monster, ripping away the blank pages we will never fill; angry and guilt ridden that I couldn’t make them stay. But no one can control change and you cannot make people stay so, here we are.

Mourning is such an awful cloud, isn’t it?

In other news (and in an effort to end this downer of a post with some positivity…) I am still loving my new job and just celebrated a very exciting first year anniversary this week. I have still been pushing creative days when I am able, so my books are still growing and my yarn is still flowing.

I am very proud to be drafting my first sweater design for my husband. It is coming along well and has been surprisingly fun to write:

The kitten babies continue to be the house entertainment and Oscar is being thoroughly spoiled by these fur-parents beyond belief each day:

A rare sighting of my beautiful Benji staying still…

I am also getting so much better at getting out of the house and thankful to the few good folks who have helped me get there.  

Things will be ok, eventually. Different, but ok.

We will just have to wait. 

Xoxo

1

Orphan

A storm is coming, we
Can feel it deep
Inside our bones,
We have lost the will to
Make the clock move
Forward
When we’ve already lost 
Our only home

Return to sender, we’re
The firsthand offender, a
Coward in wolves clothing, torn 
ripped, and cheaply 
                    Sewn

Raised in violence, keep every pain
In silence, 
(No one cares once eighteen comes to
Town, just make sure to
hit the ground)
It’s not like anyone will be
waiting around 
We won’t be what they’ve been
Searching for and we won’t be
What they have finally
                     Found 

There is no one to embrace  
Anymore, 
There is nothing we have left
To leave at the door
(What a goddamn bore 
We must be when
They don’t come 
Around) 
But we can drown out the 
Sound 
After all, the voices are starting 
To become quite 
                  Loud

I think I hear a storm is 
Coming soon


~ A. L. Stippich
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Grateful

“Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Sometimes the rough points in life seem endless. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and bad things are just going to continue to occur without pause. That is life and it goes on, so they say. 

2022 has been one big pile of unimaginable tragedy, pain, illness, and trauma, not just for my husband and I, but for folks within our tight knit little “framily”. My heart has been at a complete loss for why all of these incidents and heartaches are taking place at the same time. Is it just our age? Have we reached a strange place where this is just, how things are for a bit? If so, I cannot say I am enjoying it in the slightest. Nope. 

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”

~ Buddha

So here we are in February after a lot of pain and mourning, hard decisions and healing, feeling surprisingly ready for whatever the rest of 2022 is here to bring. Priorities, plans, and finances redirected to finally begin pursuing what we have been putting on the back burner for our own growth. Feeling immensely grateful for the grace, empathy, and support we have received in our little circle during the heavy when it could have just been an “I told you so!”. Sometimes it is the littlest things that have reminded both of us we are worthy of better.

I could not feel more thankful for this moment of feeling a strange, unimaginable sense of peace. 

For those feeling less than worthy, I implore you to start your new year now. Redefine and rearrange what amplifies in you “I AM WORTHY!”. Find yourself a few folks with integrity who will check you when you need it and lift you when you cannot lift yourself. Fill up those timelines and follows with focus on the positive, the uplifting, and the safe.

The power of taking control over your own space is one you will never want to give back. 

X’s O’s and Skittles

1

Head(space)

“unbeingdead isn’t beingalive”

e. e. cummings

Another draft from the beginning of December for my fellow winter, bluesy babes because vulnerability is all I got left. Hang in there folks, it’s war out there.

~

I hate the cold season.

In the warmer seasons, I already tend to feel fidgety and anxious when saying out loud ‘I am not well, at the moment.’ There are many reasons for this, of course, but none of the reasons help ease the discomfort. The cold just makes it worse.

It’s come back in spades over the most recent weeks, whether it’s a sound or a phrase, the instance of the holiday season, or the ever timeless triggering social media post. A collection of tiny things haphazardly stacking themselves on top of each other.

I have not been able to write much lately. Dealing with medical issues while in a phase where I am just trying to get through the work day so that I can kiss my husband, potentially eat food, maybe touch yarn, and sleep (maybe even pet a cat or two). I rarely have the energy to take care of myself. Showering feels like hiking up the side of a mountain and back down again and then by the time I am clean, it’s time to go back to sleep. It’s the time of year where waking up causes anxiety and depression because you were hoping, just hoping, for things to look different that morning.

I’ve held on to this fleeting notion that I’ve experienced so much growth and change over 2021. Starting another book, sharing my story unashamed, speaking up, speaking out, and being honest (for the most part). Trying. Just trying. It’s amazing how one moment, one sound, one human, even, holds all the potential to rip it all away in a day. Suddenly the growth is just taking ten steps back to square one. The thought, feeling, floods of worry have hit the front lawn. You are nothing again and everything is doomed.

Well, of course this isn’t true, but the mind IS a terrible thing.

It cannot be put into words the gratefulness I feel when I step back (forced or otherwise) and remember those who hold space for me when I am unable. People who let me vent when I do not understand what is happening to me, and who remind me I am loved when myself and others have convinced me I am not. No strings attached. No gaslighting. No risks of abandonment or loss. Just being allowed to have feelings and reminded I am loved despite them and how illogical they may be. Sometimes feelings are just that. Feelings. But they still matter.

I have started to have a love/hate relationship with my occasional ability to wear my heart on my sleeve now. Just tell it like it is. Where I am in life, what I’m feeling; my hurts. Currently, I really hate it. My ‘standing naked in a crowd’ is set somewhere cold and my feet feel like ice.

No matter my particular feelings in this case, however, I know there are other humans out there feeling the exact same kind of empty and hopeless. Sometimes it’s just nice to know we are not alone in feeling alone.

This time of year is such a trigger for so many, it does not matter how much you physically or mentally attempt to prepare for it. It can feel heavy and endless. The days of roller coaster emotions will feel like eternity. I am so sorry if you are one of those many.

It’s going to be ok. We are going to be ok.

For those feeling the same: I see you, I understand you, and you are loved.

~

Cheerios,

XOXO

2

Reset

Where will I find you again
My friend?
On this road or at another
Bend?
Maybe, at the end 


‘We are all just getting by’
A statement present
When we 
                    Cry 
But the truth can’t 
Lie 
We’re all just trying to get
By


Leave me flowers near my
                  Stone,
Once I have left this world 
Alone,
After you have finally grown 
                   Older, 
May love find you once
You are bolder,
Blessings, graces when
You
Hold her, everything will 
Find it’s time, though I hope I
                  Find
You in mine, before the time
Resets for
It’s final wind


~ A. L. Stippich
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(less)ons learned

Be less like you and be more 
like me
Shame your ambitions, and throw
All of your diamonds 
Into the sea

Be less impatient, and keep your
Face clean, 
Stay silent when spoken, and keep your
Issues 
Exactly where they should be; stay 
refrained

Be less of what they ignore, and more of what they need,
Be attainable, 
hell
Be a goddamn bore, 
But just make for damn sure you stay 
Less

Be forgotten when they are
Happy and free
and be a hemorrhagic vessel once their
Castles 
Have fallen into the 
sea

This is not a place you should expect to be
Seen, 
This is not your world to stake any
Claim, 
No one will seek you 
Inside your times of pain, so remain, 
And stay 
Just exactly the same
and
Be less


~ A. L. Stippich

0

whispers

tonight i whispered
goodbye
on the wind;
it danced across the keys of
an untuned piano,
and
carried through an
opening door,
and
slivered through
a black, lace shawl,
and
whistled through
the leaves of the
tallest tree,
and
tumbled across shards
of broken glass,
and
dove into the
violent sea,
and
was swallowed by
the dark
before it could reach
you

tonight i whispered
goodbye on the
wind,
a goodbye that
never came


~ A. L. Stippich

0

Alone, now

i’m not supposed to be 
here 
and you are not supposed to
stay
it’s made clear you’ve left long ago 
but as you can 
see
we are never quite on the same 
page

i bleed alone, now, and carry
myself 
i’ve sheltered me better, to tether 
my health; with the alter
removed
and a taste of your truths, I can 
wash away the stain
you’ve become

~ A. L. Stippich

0

the woman in the woods

she hangs her roses
deep
in the middle of
the woods

a thick tree
with a high
branch,
it groans under
the weight

she starts from
the top
and lets them
swing down, low
petals
graze the
mossy earth

(her roses sway
where her children
can’t see
from the bottom
of the creek
where she left them
to play)

and before they
drop
and before they
sway
her roses from the
branch
begin to weep, and
the children wail
from the bottom
of the deep
but their voices
won’t be
heard
for they no longer
speak

and in the middle
of the woods
where her roses
died,
the children of
the creek
will always cry
while the hunters
of the woods
keep their watchful
eyes,
though none will
ever understand
why
she hung her
roses in the middle of
the woods


~ A. L. Stippich
0

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